


Magic Earring Varric

by ramblingAnthropologist



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Go check out cock ring Ken it'll change your life, Modern Thedas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-14
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2019-01-17 10:55:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12364179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ramblingAnthropologist/pseuds/ramblingAnthropologist
Summary: When Hawke goes toy shopping one day, she finds an unexpected treasure with the help of her best friend Varric. This is SO much better than a Furby.





	Magic Earring Varric

“Hawke, this is the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever done.”

“Even more ridiculous than not shutting my mouth during the fight at the Bone Pit?”

“…”

“Exactly now shut up and lift me, dude.”

Varric had been through a number of events he could have only classified as ‘various amounts of ridiculous shenanigans probably prompted by large quantifies of low-quality booze’ with the woman he called his best friend. Some had included dragons, most involved inflicting bodily harm on others. None of them could top this, though.

“If anyone had told me I would actually lift you by your ankles one day, I would have said they were lying.” He rolled his eyes as she kicked off her boots by the bin. “Really, you’re taking off your shoes?”

“Makes it easier to grasp my lithe elvish ankles.”

“Of course.”

Hawke stuck out her tongue as she hefted herself to the edge of the bin marked half off in bright red ink. Varric was left to take her by the ankles and lower her in further, glancing around the shop like this was the most normal thing in the world. Given the clientele, he wouldn’t have been surprised.

Honestly, when she had asked him to meet her at a place called the Treasure Chest, he was expecting a lack of both inhibition and clothing. Instead, he got acne and more knowledge of wars and treks that happened in space in a galaxy far away in a distant century. Neither of which he could use in a book, of course.

That would be copywrighted material.

“What the hell are you even looking for, Hawke?” She had told him on the way there, bouncing on her heels as they walked through Hightown’s most popular mall, but he had gotten lost in the details. It happened when she had provided way too many of them to give a shit about.

For a brief moment, Hawke hauled herself out of the barrel of dolls – action figures, or so the clerk had huffed – to stare at him with a dead expression in her blue eyes. Thanks to the low light of the shop, they glowed in that slightly unsettling way she was so fond of using to scare off street thugs she wasn’t in the mood to fight.

“I told you on the way up, it’s Willrow Hood and the memory core!”

Right, how had he forgotten that?

Varric shook his head as Hawke lowered herself back into the bin and continued rummaging through. “My mistake, of course. Can’t believe I forgot someone so important to the Star Trek mythos as him.”

“You know it’s Star Wars you ass.”

Potato, potato. Nerds, nerds. Same thing. The dwarf rolled his eyes once more as he continued to hold his best friend by the ankles as she searched through piles of discounted toys. Strangely, none of the other customers seemed to mind this display; the surly clerk didn’t even get off his stool to investigate the goings on.

Whether that was to Hawke’s credit or the nature of the clientele, Varric really didn’t need to know. He could make up the details later once he got a round in him.

“Any luck down there?”

“Shit I think I just saw a Furby move. Pull me up, pull me up, pull me up!”

He had only heard that frantic tone of voice once before, when she had been armored up and dragging Anders over to heal Fenris of an accidental spear impaling during one of their more adventurous treks along the Wounded Coast.

Of course, it was a Furby, and those things were practically a class of darkspawn on their own. So, Varric hastily tugged Hawke up towards the light and away from the evil Gremlin who might decided she looked good enough to eat.

She sighed in relief and wiped sweat from her forehead. A doll’s shoe was stuck to her cheek, and she brushed it away with a finger. “Thanks, Varric. I thought I was a goner. Who the hell puts a Furby in an action figure pile?”

“Maybe the Furby got hungry and thought nerds for lunch would be nice.” Much to his surprise, she was already preparing for another round, facing backwards like a Scuba diver prepared to explode sunken wrecks for treasure. “You’re going back in?”

She didn’t answer, merely plunged and left him to hold onto her ankles like some demented sit up exercise only with less to show for it. Varric was left to grip onto bone and skin, shaking his head. She needed to eat more.

A few more minutes of rummaging ended with what sounded like a shriek coming from the depths of the forbidden toy pit. Hawke’s ankle in its violent purple sock tugged at his hand like she was using it as a lifeline to draw her to the surface. The dwarf obliged of course, and soon he had hauled her into a sitting position on top of the bin.

“Find him?”

“No, something better!”

Laughing, Hawke hopped from her dive and landed in her socks on the hard floor. She was indeed clutching something in her arms, but the bright pink packaging definitely wasn’t from any Sci-fi series. He knew that much.

“You found… a Barbie?”

“Better!” Beaming, she turned the package around, the plastic reflecting the overhead light and obstructing his view for a moment. “It’s Magic Cock Ring Ken!”

…

What.

Varric blinked in surprise as he tried to process the details. It was a doll, a clothed one at that. With his spiked hair – and was that a mesh shirt? - Ken had seen some wilder days. Where the cock ring part came from, though, that was another story.

“Want to fill me in, Hawke?”

He took the package from her as she slid back into her boots. On closer inspection, the doll was indeed wearing a necklace and earrings to match. A few wild nights flashed through Varric’s mind as he handed it back, ones he’d thought he’d forgotten thanks to the alcohol. The ghost of hangovers past sure smacked him in the face as he waited for an explanation.

Hawke instead hugged her toy closer. “Oh man, he’s the best! The company wanted to make him cool so they went into gay raves and came up with him!”

There was a spring in her step as she approached the counter and paid for her treasure. They were soon headed out the door, she clutching the bag and he holding tightly to the last bits of his sanity. Both of them were going to need a drink after this if it kept up.

“I’m still not getting the cock ring part.”

Another giggle, this time one that sounded like something that Knight Captain Cullen would hear. “Look at his necklace, Varric~!”

She held it out for his inspection. Thanks to the size, he had to squint. As far as he could tell, it was just a circular necklace. As a matter of fact, it was not so different from the one he himself was currently wearing around his neck.

“Hawke…”

“He’s your twin, Varric! Cock Ring Ken and Dick Ring Dwarf!” Laughing, she handed over the package and fished for her phone. “Oh man, this is great. Leandra never let me have dolls as a kid and I always wanted a Cock Ring Ken. Here, I wanna take a picture of you and your brother.”

He would’ve said no and handed it back, but the cheer in her voice stopped him. When Hawke’s face looked like that, it was impossible to say no. Instead, he gave his best shit eating grin and held the doll close to his face while she snapped a picture.

“You do know I’m the better looking of the two of us, right?” He studied the doll closer. “Actually, with the hair he might be more like Cullen’s brother than mine.”

As soon as the words left his lips, Varric regretted it. A rather evil looked crossed Hawke’s features as she took her doll back. Oh, he was definitely going to need a drink or two after this, and maybe a few rounds of coffee. This was just the kind of thing his editor wanted out of him.

Of course, he’d leave out the uncanny resemblance. That would be too much self insertion.

—

 

Late. Sometime after midnight. Honestly, he didn’t know or care.

Every bone in Knight Captain Cullen’s body ached as he slumped towards his bed, free of his armor finally after a long day. The mages had been more than troublesome that day, and his head still rang with their insults. He had barely missed a fireball from a more impulsive spellcaster, but that was enough for a few days in solitary.

“Maker’s breath… I feel like lead.” He flopped bonelessly into bed, too exhausted to even consider kneeling in prayer. The only motion he could attempt was rolling onto his back so he could get into a more comfortable position. Of course, that presented its own challenged.

At first, he was wondering if he just saw stars thanks to the window. However, they were located directly over his bed instead of off to the side. Besides, there were a lot closer, and it looked more like a pair of…

Cullen’s scream ripped through the tower as he saw the pair of glowing eyes staring down at him, paired with a eerie green grin. Somewhere in Hightown, a woman snickered as she entered back into her home, hands glowing with green paint.

Varric did have the best ideas sometimes. She’d have to owe him a drink for that one.


End file.
